Psychonaut

One time I smoked this crazy crazy stuff called Salvia with my friend Doc. It has no negative side effects and most chemists can't exactly explain how it works. Mayans, Shamans and Buddhist monks have smoked it for meditation and Native Americans used it for healing. You may have heard of it. It's a legal narcotic where I live. You take one little puff and it makes you trip really hard for about 3-5 minutes. So Doc and I took turns taking one toke each. I went first as I am a veteran psychonaut. When I took the hit I sank back into the couch and my vision kind of began to close in like a fisheye lens. Then suddenly I blacked out for a few seconds and in that time I had jumped up off the couch and quickly started to make my way to the stairs. Then a wave of confusion and madness crashed into me from out of nowhere. It was like I was hit by a bus so hard that it knocked my consciousness (everything that makes me me) out of my body and a freaky thick feeling of amnesia enveloped me like giant velvet curtain. I was left with a void where my self had been. It was so weird. I had no idea what had happened to me. Doc (who was sober), grabbed my arm and tried to calm me down. So when I couldn't remember who I was, Doc was standing there and so naturally I thought I was him. I could only see his face and it felt as though I was both he and I simultaneously. I thought something terribly wrong had happened to me. I thought that I died from some kind of accident like a bad car wreck and had woken up in a hospital or something. I also remember saying "No...No..., What happened, I can't, I don't want to do it, And Doc said "you already did it" I said "No I don't want to.., Did something happen? I insisted upon going up out of the basement and as I did, it became apparent that the stairs were not a diagonal direction but instead they were straight ahead like a side walk. A couple minutes later sitting in the chair upstairs I think I said "Did we smoke something?" I was talking to Sarah (Doc's wife) who sat behind a desk and I suddenly felt as though I was a mental patient in a psychiatrists office. I wasn't feeling comfortable just sitting still so I insisted again that we go outside. That really made me feel better. I laid on the driveway and then sat on the front steps while trying in vain to convey my experience to Doc, unintentionally using really vague terminology as my mind was still drifting. I really didn't like the terrifying experience until I got a grip on reality and was sure that everything was ok. In all it was a very spiritual trip but entirely frightening. After I came down a few minutes later, Doc took a hit and had an entirely different experience (it effects everyone differently). He was very calm and felt as though the couch was trying to eat him. He laughed in sporadic bursts, cried for about 2 seconds and then went back to laughing. We might try it again sometime when the weather is nice. It would be cool to try it in a large green field near my house.

Cannonball of Humiliation

When I was in the 4th grade, there was this incredible girl that I liked named Jeannie. She was "going with" (which was the terminology at time) this asshole jock guy.
One time I got enough courage to talk to her. I asked if she was still going with Rob. She blushed and said "No. Why do you ask?"
I was really shy and just said "oh, I was just wondering". And that was it. I couldn't do it. Afterwards and even today I'm kicking myself for being so reluctant to confess my feelings at that moment. I could have gotten to know her. She was really cool. Years later I spotted her at the swimming pool sitting with her legs in the water. I tried to impress her by running and doing a cannonball into the pool. I hadn't noticed that it was break time and no one was allowed in the pool. So not only did I end up splashing gallons of water on her and her mom but the life guard was blowing his whistle at me so loud I thought his head would pop. Everyone at the swimming pool was looking me. She and her mom were pissed. I didn't mean to splash them but see I was so engrossed in the fact that she was there that I lost sight of things and made an ass out of myself. But even though at the time I was horrified at what I'd done and had completely embarrassed myself, it now makes me laugh at how funny it must have looked. I never told that story to anyone before. But I should have.
So the moral of the story is that you have to make the move and then let what happens happen. It will only make you stronger.

Fred Dracula

Party Scene
(People gathered in a living room some people dancing on the right side of the room
there is a couch on the left side.
A woman is kinda moving to the music slightly holding a wine glass
A man standing in the same room near her also moves slightly to the music
This looks like a very familiar scene and one gets the feeling that these two
people will inevitably begin a conversation).
Woman: Great party huh (she says to the man somewhat shouting over the music)
Man: Oh yeah really cool (smiling)... Cool music too.
Woman: Yeah! it is isn't it? I love this song.
Man: yeah it's great. ..So who do you know here at this party?
Woman: Thadd Hemmings(?) do you know him? I work with him at City.com
Man: No I don't..Actually I'm a neighbor of Denise and Rogers'.
Woman: Who?
Man: Oh Denise and Roger Douglass(?) It's their house.
Woman: Oh right, right I did meet them. Hi I'm Donna. (extends hand to shake)
Man: Oh Hi..Fred, Fred Drakula. (steps forward and shakes her hand)
Woman: Nice to meet you Fred.
Man: Nice to meet you too Donna.
Woman: So Drakula? Ha Like the Vampire?
Man: Yeah (smiles) Just like that.. Only it's with a K instead of a C. A little embarrassing though
you know everybody always says that. "Like the Vampire?".
Woman: Oh with a K? Is it still pronounced the same way?
Man: Yep just like that. Even if it wasn't I'd probably just say it that way anyway.
It's a pretty good conversation starter at parties and stuff like that.
Woman: Yeah I guess so.
(a disco song comes on the stereo)
Woman: Hey I love this song. You wanna dance?
Man: Yeah Sure!
(They begin to dance)
Woman: Wow I love disco music
Man: Yeah me too. HEY IS THAT A TESTICLE OVER THERE?! (Fred Points to the wall right of Donna)
Woman: What? Where!?
(While Donna's head is turned Fred leans in fast and bites her on the neck quickly sucking all the blood from her body.
Before anyone notices what is happening, Fred hides her body behind the couch out of sight from the other party people.
Fred Continues to dance but now he has blood smeared all over the lower half of his face. A man and a woman walk into the living room.
The woman approaches Fred.)
Woman#2: Hi I'm Wilma and this is Thomas (Thomas waves)
Man: Hi Fred, Fred Drakula.
END

Magic Water Supply

My father-in-law was telling me about when he was a young boy in East Germany at the end of WWII. He mentioned that when the Americans gave up the occupation to the Russians that the Russians that were sent to his town were like some kind of backwoods barbarians who on one occasion thought that running water was magic and proceeded to saw a water faucet off of the wall in an attempt to be able to transport the endless supply.

I had this dream that I was observing the set up of Senior art students shows. They were way more radical students than the ones I'd seen at Alfred. Some of the students were covering themselves with fire retardant jelly and lighting themselves on fire. One of the students was making a comment that it's important that you don't light yourself on fire while you're alone or else no one will be there to see the expression on your face and that's what the whole purpose was. One of the art students who was on fire didn't realize that he was actually burning (yikes).
My class president from high school was also one of the art students who lived a life of extreme minimalism. I visited him in his dorm room which was surprisingly spacious but had these huge decorative tapestry-like thick curtains that covered two walls in the room. The only other thing in the room was a mat on the floor where he slept and a small box that held the only other clothes that he wore which were specifically for winter. Otherwise he only wore a pair of ratty shorts.
There was this other part of the dream that had to do with a lizard-man/art student whose project was a type of life-phonograph. It looked like a giant red and white record player with a giant record on the top and the bottom of the devise with lots of space in between. The record had red and white grooves in it. It gets complicated but the devise would capture a moment in time when someone stepped into the phonograph and play it over and over. It wasn't a holograph but actually repeated this moment in someone's life continually.
All of the students stayed up all night to complete their projects. It was one of those kinds of dreams that you have right before you wake up so it's all weird and vivid.

Hand Me Down

I bought a spacecraft from a small man yesterday morning. I spotted him as I was rolling my garbage can down to the end of the driveway. He said he was giving up the anal probing business cause it wasn't as lucrative as he was told that it would be. He told me he was going to try to get into the porno business. I wished him luck as I traded him my camcorder for the keys to his saucer.

Grain

I had a bottle of excitment yesterday. IT was so truly special awesome, I can't describe how so truly special awesome it was. It was actually the best truly special awesome ever. So sorry you all can't enjoy it.
I will be enjoying wheat from last year with lunch today, rye later this evening, I think. Possibly some other type of grain that I grow in my desk drawer at work. we'll see.

The Lonely Sad Bird

There once was a sad little bird with no friends. It was so sad and lonely that one day it decided to kill itself by flying into a window. That didn't work but it sure did hurt. So It tried again by burning itself to death in the fire of someones chimmney. However it was summer and no one was burning anything in the fireplace. So now the bird was Sad, Lonely, bruised and dirty and decided to throw itself in front of a moving car. So it got a good swooping start and timed it just ever so carefully and to the dirty, sad birds suprise, it worked that time and it was sad and lonely no more. But it was still very dirty from the fireplace. The End.

German Translations

1. Würden Sie Kaufen mich Mittagessen heute bedenken? Mein Delorian hat einen undichten Ausflusskondensator und ist im Laden und meine Kinder haben kein Fleisch, auf zu kauen. =

English Translation: Would you mind buying me lunch today? My Delorian has a leaky flux capacitor and is in the shop and my children have no meat to chew on.

2. Ich fahre der mächtigste Zug im Universum. =

English Translation: I ride the most powerful train in the universe.

3. Ich habe eine äußerst gesunde Maschine gebaut, die mich erlaubt, Bier ständig zu trinken. Jetzt kann ich Bier in meinem Schlaf trinken.

English Translation: I have built an extremely healthy machine that allows me to drink beer constantly. Now I can drink beer in my sleep.

4. Ist das ein cuckooclock unter Ihrem Hemd oder ist Sie schwanger? =

English Translation: Is that a cuckooclock under your shirt or are you pregnant?

5. Jeder im Königreich sagt, dass mein weinersnitzel glatt ist, wie ein großer mystischer Fisch. =

English Translation: Everyone in the kingdom says my weinersnitzel is slippery, like a great mystical fish.

6. Ich habe eine Verabredung mit einem Schönheitschirurgen gemacht, meinen lederhosen zu haben, der permanent zu meiner Haut eingepflanzt wird. =

English Translation: I made an appointment with a plastic surgeon to have my lederhosen permanently grafted to my skin.

7. In Zukunft werden jede Mannfrau und Kind in Deutschland ein Bier trinkend bearbeitet haben. =

English Translation: In the future every man woman and child in Germany will have a beer drinking machine.

Common Spanish phrases translated

mi cara se siente como una máscara de caucho =
my face feels like a rubber mask

pare molestar con ese camello y me ayuda con este cadaver=
stop bothering with that camel and help me with this dead body

Mi taco prueba como un animal que se pudre=
My taco tastes like a rotting animal

¿Cuánto para el pollo?=
how much for the chicken?

¿Por qué su cara se cubre todo en la salsa de tomate?=
Why is your face all covered in ketchup?

Yo ahora querría hacer una impresión de un famoso jefe de cocina alemán=
I would now like to do an impression of a famous german chef

Mi cartera podría tener posiblemente una bomba del pudín adentro.=
My briefcase could possibly have a pudding bomb inside.

4 = A Horrible Movie and my review of it.

I watched an absolutely awful movie the other day. It's a Russian movie called 4. The previews made it look really interesting. It was supposed to be about cloning in Russia. As it turns out there were only some subtle cloning suggestions. The main character is a young, Russian prostitute in her late 20's who had heard that one of her 3 clone sisters had died so she travels on train and foot to make it to her sisters funeral. At the funeral there are about 15 old toothless Russian women who are crying and singing. The majority of the movie is footage of these nasty old Russian women, sitting around a table drinking home made vodka and cutting and gnawing on a pig and then singing, yelling, pulling their flabby boobs out, slapping them and then sleeping on oily stinky mattresses in their filthy Russian house. Then they complain that the girl who died is the only one who has the secret to making the realistic masks that they use for the nearly life-sized creepy dolls that the Russian women sew together in order to make money. At one point you think that there is going to be something really important that happens but the creators must have decided to leave that part out. Typically I'd like such a strange movie but this was actually frustrating and exhausting to watch. Just wanted to give you a heads up incase you cross it's path.

Corn and it's really real history

Corn is a strange invention. The Native Americans called it Maize, I believe it was originally mutated by the Egyptians who were known to send their people to South America to obtain cocaine (which the Egyptians pronounced Copán) for their addicted pharaohs and so brought back corn and coke which is where the word cornucopia comes from. Moses lead his people through the desert and was said to have instructed his tribe to eat the Manna (a kind of tortilla which tastes good with chicken and cheese) in order to survive. The reason the trip through the desert took 40 years is because they had to wait for enough corn to grow in order to turn it into Manna and then feed everybody with it. Also it's possible that they accidentally confused what Moses was pointing at and instead ate psychedelic mushrooms. There were most likely many weddings and embarrassingly strange parlor games in that amount of time. Manna was the Egyptian term for maize which is why Jewish people can't eat mayonnaise with their meat because it reminds them of having to wait for corn to grow. Also the ten commandments said that thou shalt not kill. It originally meant that we shouldn't kill anything. This also would mean that we're all supposed to be vegetarians which is another good reason not to eat mayonnaise with meat. So the bottom line is that we should probably just be eating mayonnaise and corn cause God said so.

The Doctor Tube

There was a tube with doctors in it. They were experimenting on each other. They enjoyed giving each other lobotomies. It was pleasurable. It was difficult giving someone a lobotomy when the person giving it already had one. Governing ones self was also difficult and thus constituted multiple self urinations. The lobotomized leading the lobotomized.
Outside sources began to scrutinize. The whole project was shut down due to a lack of recorded data and a loss of direction. On a lighter note, the doctors all changed their careers and happily became radio disc jockeys, politicians, elementary school teachers, pop artists and zoo keepers. Everybody wins.